December 02, 2004
oh, sorry. right? sorry?
Some days there is simply nothing to say.
Today, however, isn't one of those days. Sorry.
I was thinking today about how sometimes apologies are not called for, even though embarrassment or remorse is felt. Even though the urge runs deep, deep down to the internal demon that made you so unworthy. Oh. Sorry about that.
A real life example: I'm driving down the road and this kid throws his brand new balsa wood plane at my car and I run over it. I kill the gnome who was learning to fly, as well. Of course I'm sorry it happened. Still, it's not as if I did it out of malice. And there's remorse, well, I may have scarred that child for life! And gnomes have it pretty hard to begin with...so you see my action is so incredibly powerful that the entire world will crumble as a result of it! Oh yes!
An actual real life example: Sometimes I say the wrong thing. Sometimes I say the wrong thing in a fabulously spectacular way. The night I insulted my father-in-law's boss at a banquet for my father-in-law...I didn't know it was the boss. So was there malice? Maybe a little. I was trying to make my father-in-law look so clever and ingenious. But was I sorry? Of course. I didn't want to be a jerk. And remorse, oh yes there was remorse. But he said there was no reason to apologize. And I did anyway. I bet I apologized for that, too.
But what do you do after you apologize? What do you do when you apologize and it still doesn't feel like enough? Or it doesn't feel quite right? You're still sorry after you've said so?
Well! If you're me, and you could be, if you try really really hard and give me lots of money so you can have lessons and some of my clothes, you just keep apologizing. It's totally endearing. People love it. Oh, yes. Do spend hours begging forgiveness for an already forgiven sin and watch the person whose mercy you request turn into a fiery-eyed monster of retribution! Don't you feel better now? No more sorry, right?
Wrong. Now you're sorry for inspiring such ire.
I'm working out a dance routine for my excessive apologizing. It'll be better than the Macarena since the hand gestures will be limited to things that go well with wincing looks. Hiding one eye while you scrunch your nose. Putting your hand over you mouth while your eyes are wide in shock and self-loathing (that's a little strong, but dance is all about the passion!), turning away looking at your shoes, furtive glances and then quick darting movements, as if to escape!
It's a work still in progress. Sorry.
It's hard to translate, you see, although I do this dance a lot. And it's not a good dance, you see. If it were, I wouldn't have to say, "I'm sorry." I'd just say, "Oh, yeah! That's fab! What a strange thing to have happen! Hahahahaha!"
I was teasing TheLion about this today at lunch. There are things that happen all the time that we say, "I'm sorry," for and it isn't really appropriate to say, "I'm sorry." I apologized to the server at lunch today and I don't remember why. I was probably apologizing for ordering. I think he said that I didn't have any reason to apologize. So I told him I was sorry that I'd apologized.
There's another part of the "I'm Sorry" dance. The foot change and then the cross over to another dancer to say, "Sorry!"
Then I can say I'm sorry with good reason.
And somehow it still isn't enough.
I guess it's like a game.
