I was reading Harper's Magazine and the beginning always has a section called READINGS.
It usually makes me laugh or sigh or both or sometimes just turn my head and act confused. It's a look I'm coming to make my own.
In this front section are things that are both distressing or amusing. Sometimes they're both.
Here's one bit that's fun for girls and boys. Sort of.
This morality tale comes from teaching materials from federally funded high-school abstinence programs.
Deep inside every man is a knight in shining armor, ready to rescue a maiden and slay a dragon. When a man feels trusted, he is free to be the strong, protecting man he longs to be.
Imagine a knight traveling through the countryside. He hears a princess in distress and rushes gallantly to slay the dragon. The princess calls out, "I think this noose will work better!" and throws him a rope. As she tells him how to use the noose, the knight obliges her and kills the dragon. Everyone is happy, except the knight, who doesn't feel like a hero. He is depressed and feels unsure of himself. He would have preferred to use his own sword.
The knight goes on another trip. The princess reminds him to take the noose. The knight hears another maiden in distress. He remembers how he used to feel before he met the princess; with a surge of confidence, he slays the dragon with his sword. All the townspeople rejoice, and the knight is a hero. He never returned to the princess. Instead, he lived happily ever after in the village, and eventually married the maiden--but only after making sure she knew nothing about nooses.
Moral of the story: Occasional assistance may be all right, but too much will lessen a man's confidence or even turn him away from his princess.
So, kids. What did we learn from this story? One, that the noose metaphor is incomplete. What, exactly, is the noose representing? Is slaying a dragon a metaphor for sex? If it is, is a noose an ineffective metaphor for a condom? Is a noose to represent the notion of equal rights for women? If so, why was it used to slay the dragon and not the knight?
Two, that slaying a beast is the right and proper way to woo a princess or maiden.
Three, that the beast to be slain gives him a "surge of confidence".
Four, knights in shining armor are much more comfortable in a noose-free society.
Five, note how impressive it is to cram so much horse shit into one wee story! Rockin'!
I'll leave the others as they aren't as absurd as I'd like and actually irritate me. If you want to read them, you know where they live now.
Now here's another reading. These are descriptions of imaginary friends provided by 6 and 7 year old children for a study by M. Taylor and S.M. Carlson
Skateboard Guy: Invisible eleven-year-old boy who lives in child's pocket, wears cool shirts and has a fancy skateboard, can do lots of tricks on his skateboard, likes to see how fast the child can run.
Rose: Invisible female squirrel, nine years old, brown fur and hazel eyes, lives in a tree in the yard, sleeps in her imaginary house.
Simpy: Invisible eight-year-old girl, blue skin and black eyes, three feet tall, wears funny clothes.
Alicia: Invisible eight-year-old female dog, two inches tall, green fur and blue eyes, lives under child's bed. Child likes Alicia's good sense of humor but doesn't like that no one else can see her.
Elephant: Invisible five-year-old female elephant, seven inches tall, gray color, black eyes, wears tank top and shorts. Child likes that she plays with child, dislikes that sometimes she is mean.
Michael: Invisible nine-year-old boy, taller than child, short brown hair, brown eyes, wears red shirt and jeans, lives in back-left side of child's head, sleeps in bed in child's head.
There are seven that I've left out. They're pretty good, too. I'm a little distressed by some of these things, but I suspect that lots of them are developmental things that I've not learned about. I can understand, I think, why an imaginary friend would be a bit older, kind of cool and weird, and might occasionally be a jerk. "Dislikes that sometimes she is mean." There was another friend described who was mean sometimes. I bet it's normal, but I'm not sure it's helpful..."Mom! I hate Elephant. She thinks she's so cool, but she's just mean."
Is that normal? Sure!
And now, how about a few dog personals? These are from Doggy Dating, a U.K. based canine companionship agency.
Minky, age1, Highgate, London
I like to wear human clothes. My favourite toy is my rubber duck. My favourite treat is wearing hats. My favourite food is liver. I am looking for a friend to swap outfits with.
Meathead, age 3, Scotland
I like to watch TV and play in the rain. I would describe myself as more friendly than I look. I am looking for a young lady to share good times with.
Biff, age 6, Norwich
I like to eat crass, then vomit it up. My favourite toy is a model plane. My favourite food is dick. I would describe myself as funny-looking and a comedian. I am looking for a lady dog to make me laugh.
Bunty, age 4, Walsall
I like to run in the park and sniff people's crotches. My favourite toy is a He-man figure. My favourite food is tripe. I would describe myself as cute with a cheeky sense of humour. I am looking for a partner to hang out with in the park.
I imagine Spring and Sprocket writing personals for themselves.
Sprocket, age 5, Ithaca, New York
i like to run and bark and say grrrawwwwwwwowow and chew ankles and i um i like food and i have big eyes and pretty teeth and im bigger than you think i am and i want friends to sleep sun dots and snore with me now soon
Spring, age 7, Springsprings, Springton County, Spring State, New York
I like to watch traffic
I like to bark at UPS
My favorite toy is Sprocket head
My favorite treat is pig ears and Sprocket head
I am looking for a submissive dog to bring me treats and not bother me
I am gorgeous
I am ten feet tall
I'd write my own personal, but I hate admitting that I don't like eating grass.
Posted by dotty at January 23, 2005 10:32 PM