April 27, 2005
old news is entertaing news
I was in the grocery store tonight and while the surly cashier tallied my purchases, I saw The Weekly World News headline.
ALIEN BIBLE FOUND! THEY WORSHIP OPRAH!
It took a lot of strength not to buy that bit of paper. With the super-human strength that I've developed over the past three hours, however, I decided to tempt myself with the online version of trashy, nonsensical joy. The website doesn't have the most recent story, but it does have some winners. Headlines for you:
ALIENS DIED IN UFO WRECK--BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T WEARING SEAT BELTS!
SPACE ALIEN POOP IS MAKING US SICK, SICK, SICK!
ONE IN FOUR UFO PILOTS IS DRUNK!
FAMILY'S TV PICKS UP SPACE ALIEN PORN!
THERE'S AN ALIEN IMPLANT IN J.Lo's BUTT '!
ALIENS ARE HERE FOR OUR KRISPY KREMES!
SPACE ALIENS ARE HERE FOR OUR TOOTHPASTE!
HOW TO TELL IF YOUR PROSTITUTE IS AN EXTRATERRESTRIAL
A list of ten entries. I've chosen these for you.
2. Out-of-date lingo -- Alien prostitutes try to fit in by using streetwalker slang -- but often use outdated terms. A hooker who sees a police car and whispers, "Cheese it, the fuzz!" likely hails from deep space.
4. Odd, hard-to-place accent. "They have trouble pronouncing the letter 'R'. "
9. Over-perfumed -- Hookers from outer space often try to mask their peculiar ET body odor.
I often believe that the world is too big. (Actually, I believe that when I don't understand things. When things become clear and are at the same time distressing, then the world is too small.) In this beautiful case of a journalistic artistry, I am pleased that the world is too big and that someone is out there making sure it stays that way.
Posted by dotty at April 27, 2005 11:20 PM