December 01, 2005
a life coach for you! a professional organizer for me! everyone's sorted!
I've been feeling overwhelmed by things I haven't done and things I should do and things I want to do.
I put post-it notes on the tv so I won't watch movies and will, instead, do something productive with my time. Right now I've given myself the "opportunity" to sew myself some new clothes, call people about sewing machines, do some copyediting, apply for school, reply to the people with my application for some schmancy volunteer work that would enhance my chances at being admitted for school, exercise, clean, and sell my car.
I see in my future, however, much shriveled skin and a whole lot of showering happening. I worry that I'll be taking away some of my enjoyment time, though. Maybe most of the enjoyment time I spend alone. If I can't watch movies over and over again, a hobby of sorts that I find soothing and fun, then I know I'll do something else. And I'm pretty sure that will be to take a shower. Mmmmm, being warm and smelling yummy, soapy smells is a good thing. (I can imagine that it's not really the molded plastic shower stall. It might be, in fact, a steamy, vacation spa. It could have magically transformed into one of those dream-bathrooms that have granite walls and they're big enough that you can spread your arms out like wings and not touch anything but the wall you're near, the kind you could lie on the floor and feel rain falling on you while luxurious smells reminded you of sandalwood or jasmine or some scent you've never smelled but makes you feel so good that it must mean beautiful things. Or if the lights are off, with the sound of water caressing my ears, keeping out other sounds, I can feel water pouring over me and pooling where my knees are pulled against my chest. I can dip my head and breathe in water and warmth and the kind of silence that I feel in my chest.)
I'd been thinking of needing help get all these things done, all these things posted onto the tv. I'd been thinking in exclamation points that are taller and louder than I am. It's been getting to me. In bad ways. The kind of ways that make my forehead wrinkle and make it hard to breathe deep enough to breathe out enough. The kind of ways that make it hard to get anything done, with help or without.
But then I wrote about taking my shower in the dark. That is something that I'd like to do. I can't read post-it notes in the dark. I can't notice all the things that need to get done when I smell cloves or mango or grapefruit or mint or pomegranate. Or cinnamon or rose or verbena. I don't care what things look like. And I feel warm. And quiet. And calm. And happy to be that way.
